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depression and bipolar depression
* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.
Physical Symptoms of Depression include:
Some more Severe Symptoms of Depression include:
Depression has been my companion from the age of fourteen. Way before I ever sought assistance, therapy or a psychiatric evaluation, I knew very clearly that I suffered from depression. It was unmistakable.What I needed to understand was how depression functioned in me and how it expressed itself. Along with the talk therapy I underwent, I eventually needed to acknowledge that depression had become a part of my chemistry and wiring.
what it's like
Most of us know depression. It is often a product of a situation or a reality that has distressed or harmed us in such a way as to cause the thoughts and feelings we call depression. Our modern world is a great hothouse for the illness of depression: Stress, abuse, and the general pain of living in our society and families can bring us down. Bad news is available 24 hours a day with all the suffering and injustice the world has to offer delivered in soundbites just impactful enough to make us feel impotent and hopeless. Stressful environments like bad work or home relationships eat our energy and enthusiasm for life. Difficult losses and grief can be too hard to bear. Depression is the common illness of our era.
I call depression the greatest thief because it has often taken my vitality, my capacity to work, my ability to hold perspective and my hope. It's hard being depressed.
The definition of depression above includes the following description: "You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person." These ruminations, probably in conjunction with OCD obsessions, are the deadliest part of depression for me. Hours and days of my life have been taken up trying to figure out, clarify and handle the painful ruminations, which are depressed distortions of my reality. These are often extremely persistent thoughts about having failed at something or at life itself, having done something bad that I could not be forgiven for, or having simply made a mistake. But that mistake is blown completely out of proportion by the distorted lense of depression.
more than just a passing fancy
Depression has not been just a symptom in my life - it became a way of being. When something is always in the background, like a noise you can't get rid of, you begin to unconsciously shape your life to work around that problem. An example of this kind of background noise is my fatigue. Because the depressive fatigue makes it difficult to work full-time, I have most often chosen jobs that were part-time instead. Even though taking naps can actually make my situation worse, I often nap daily around 5pm in order to be able to continue to be alert in the evenings.
Perhaps if things in my life had stayed relatively stable, I would have been able to continue on, working part-time and taking naps - not such a big deal. But the suffering of depression did not stabilize for me. As I aged, I found my tolerance for the suffering became lower with each passing year. An opportunity to turn a part-time job into a full-time position was just too good to pass up.
So I took the plunge and started investigating medication. As I state in my page on medication, this was not an easy step for me but it has eventually paid off in a significant way. I also started to exercise more regularly for a period of time, incorporating strength training with cardiovascular exercises. However, a back injury I suffered made that kind of more intense activity nearly impossible. At this point, I continue to walk daily and I find this is very good for my mood and thinking.
Since my first foray into psychiatric treatment, my depressive episodes have changed. I began to experienced a form of cycling where I would go from a good mood to a deeply depressed mood and back up again within a short period of time. This started to happen often. In consultation with my psychiatrist, we began to treat this depression as a form of bipolar disorder, which did not display a true manic or hypomanic high that accompanies the devastating lows but as part of the bipolar spectrum now being discussed within the psychiatric community.
This new diagnosis has been very significant for me. The direction of my treatment has changed to an emphasis on mood stabilization rather than antidepressants, although I also continue to use an antidepressant. Secondly, I am far more informed about the action of my moods and what to watch for, not only in the beginning stages of a depressions but in the movements between depressions and good moods. An excellent source of information regarding the bipolar spectrum can be found at the McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web.
I am still very vulnerable to mood imbalances. Stress in any area of my life can trigger a depression. It may only last a day or two but it is still there. Ongoing severe stress can put me in a very dangerous tailspin that can take months to recover from. However, as I go along, I am learning what it takes to take care of my mental health. It takes a many-faceted treatment plan to find the balance.
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While this website deals with issues and information about mental health please be advised that the author is not a mental health or medical professional. The information herein is in no way intended to be used as a substitute for professional guidance and the author cannot be held responsible for any choices you may make based upon the information contained in this website.
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.
* Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.
* You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy.
* You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.
* Loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities.
* You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.
* You feel a burden to others.
* You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.
* You feel you have no confidence.
* You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).
* You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again.
* You feel that life has/is 'passing you by'.
* Changes in weight - either significant loss or gain in weight.
* Physical aches and pains, sometimes with the fear that you are seriously ill.
* Restlessness, fatigue.
* Thoughts about death or suicide.
* Poor concentration, memory or attention.
* Increased heart beat.
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